An Afghan's Eulogy for his Mother

BY NASIM FEKRAT
Jul 29, 2010
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Damn this life when I found myself and left you and dad in search of food to survive. Because you didn’t wait to see your farmer son come back to you.

No no, she is not here anymore. I want her now. I want to go back to her and find her at the corner of the room, sitting and sewing socks and gloves for her children. I want her telling me: Nasim, bring me a glass of water from the small stream which is few meters away from our house. I want her asking me go to the farm and collect grass for sheep, goats and cows.

No, no, she is not there anymore. She was that only friend that I could share everything with. I lost her. No one will be as worried about me as she was. No one will call me constantly that there is a season of fresh milk and yoghurt.

Mom! You could wait until I finish my education and come back from the U.S. I remember how much you and dad were happy last year when I told you: “Mom, I am going to the U.S for higher education.” You were about to burst from happiness. You could wait and see your Nasim is no longer a naughty boy. He has travelled around the world and shaken hands with great people. You could wait until I come back and I would tell you the stories. To whom I share my stories after you?

You could wait and see your Nasim is no longer a naughty boy. He has travelled around the world and shaken hands with great people

Mom! I remember the days that you told me when I had just been born. Due to Soviet helicopter patrols over the village, you had taken me to the mountains to protect me. I remember you told me how it was hard to hide from Soviet helicopters patrol. Although I do not know anything about those days, all the pain and suffering from those days, I have with me today. I bow down before you and your pain.

Mom! You were different to others. As far as I remember, when your sons were coming back from their journeys and bringing gifts for you, you were giving them to your daughters “Nikbakht” and “Aqila”. You had a pair of silver bracelets. Every kind of jewellery, you gave to your daughters. But instead of jewellery you had a heavenly love and I found you always praying.

I would like to hear her voice now. I want to find myself in her arms. Mom! My beloved! In all my life I learned from you. I am everything because of you. You have taught me to have perseverance.

When I close my eyes, I can imagine you. You are holding me between your arms and tap on my back and say: “Don’t be lazy, look around, move fast, learn from others, be honest, don’t lose your self-confidence, and keep the path of perseverance.” These are the lessons I have learned from you.

I heard, after you everything went to silence. No one talks loudly to each other, they dress in black, walk slowly, your place at the corner of our old house is empty. Near the furnace, where in winter was the warmest place. Where you were sitting and making socks, jerseys, gloves for your children.

After you, we all became wanderers. Your smallest, tender and beloved son, Qasem, is studying in Kabul. Juma Khan went to Iran. Zahir and Hadi are in Dubai.

If you remember, last year when we talked on the phone, you asked me, where am I living? I said in America. You asked me where that is. I answered that it is in this corner of the world. You asked me to come home.

Please forgive me if I was far from you, forgive me if I couldn’t take care of you, and forgive me if I had to run after food to survive.

Your memory gives me energy. You give me power to pursue my success and happiness, although, these nights have no stars in the sky and my days are rainy. But these stormy days will end soon and I will no longer be lost on the way back to my room, because I have you with me.

Mom! It was a great honour for me that you lived with me, took care of me and gave me wings. Thanks for all your efforts, thanks for all your love and the kindness you had for me.

It is our trajectory that we all will return back toward him. With the beauty and glory of God that is bestowed on you, may God rest your soul in peace. Rest peacefully, Hawa, my beloved mom!

 

Your son,

Nasim

 

Nasim Fekrat was the winner of Reporters Without Borders' Freedom of Expression Blog Awards in 2005 and the Freedom of Expression prize in Siena, Italy in 2008.

 

This post was originally published on Afghan Lord in May 2010.