The Insane Aunties: Scourge of the Subcontinent!
Every Desi person is well aware of the “Insane Aunty syndrome” that has infected our happy society. The surprising thing is how every Desi woman catches it.
Women, undergoing the Insane Aunty Phase can be cured. A detox of Hajj, the Bahamas or a dearth of “good” marriage-grade girls and boys is highly recommended.
As a group, these infected Aunties are rather easy to spot. They are often observed with
− big buggy sun glasses
− latest designer wear that always seem a few inches too tight, replete with over sized bags
− state-of-the-art cell phones (solely for the purpose of calling and occasionally taking pictures)
− the talent to spread news faster than the Black Plague, or more currently, Dengue.
I'm not sure what it is about Pakistan that nurtures these women, but I'm betting on a conspiracy spearheaded by the insidious European Pygmies of North Southern Slovakia.
(They are a top-secret group like the Zionists!)
What I am certain off though is that there is some sort of genetic disposition in Sub-Continental women that – at the drop of a hat – makes them turn into bat shit crazy beings hell-bent on ridding the world of the unmarried, and mosquitoes, not necessarily in that order.
Metamorphosis of the Desi Aunty
Now Pakistani girls in general are rather blessed in the looks department. They have what can only be described as a “Diva'esque-God-deems-you'll-definitely-get-married-if-you-want-to” body type.
However, once a woman enters the Aunty stage (loosely defined at say, 35), she tends to....um change.
The “it's -natural-to-put-on-a-few-pounds” comment, turns into several dozen of those “few pounds”, which is fine, because that's genetics. But, Insane Aunties love to “barely notice” and have decade-long conversations about everyone else's weight except for their own.
they can never find their cellphone when it rings to the tune of Beyonce's 'Bootilicious'
A lack of mirrors and being self-delusional help. As do prescription drugs. And tailors are lying to them about their waistlines.
Insane Aunties also have an enhanced sense of smell, which they use for their sleuthing.
Want to know if a girl is pregnant? Ask an Insane Aunty and she'll give you accurate intel. One whiff. Afghan drug lords must piss in their pants every time they see one.
The Desi Aunty and her toys
Aunties are frequently criticised for minute things like not knowing how to use the world wide web. Which is true, but the reason why is very simple. Aunties are the world wide web. They're getting in on Facebook, too.
In an age where most older people can't understand cellphones, Insane Aunties have a psychic relationship with theirs. They always are on it, and know when it's going to ring and why.
Perhaps there is a Swedish chip tucked away in the recesses of their brains. Right next to the hypocrisy ignorer kill switch.
The problem for these Aunties though is this they can never find their cellphone when it rings to the tune of Beyonce's “Bootylicious”. (Kill me now.)
Insane Aunties not only carry massive bags; they insist on filling them up with a random assortment of sugar, ketchup, Hot Sauce sachets, Wet Wipes, decade-old receipts.
Women carry massive bags; that's no secret. Insane Aunties not only carry massive bags; they insist on filling them up with a random assortment of sugar, ketchup, Hot Sauce sachets, Wet Wipes, decade-old receipts.
Why we need the Aunties
In a culture where arranged marriage is the norm, does anyone ever wonder how it gets done? It's the Aunty nation coming to the fore!
Once an Insane Aunty catches hold of her prey, usually a single person of marriageable age (for girl's it may start as soon as 15, for guys....well, don't bother cashing in that first salary), they effectively activate an entire network of Aunties across the globe to find a suitable match. Sometimes it can be down to something as simple as that both individuals hate peas, and voila, a match for a life time is made.
The sad thing is that as crazy and ridiculous as Insane Aunties are, leaving the youth quivering in their wake, it's these kooks that help make our lives entertaining.
The grief, as much as it can be, is totally worth it.
Well, no one complained about the plague after they died from it. And if you can't beat them, know that eventually you (or your wife) be genetically required to join them.
But to the Desi women that do not morph into Insane Aunties, your contribution to the male sanity is much appreciated.
This post was originally published on Home of the Snapping Turtle in October 2010.