You didn’t cry when you were born; you just looked around the room with an expression that said, “Brighter than I expected, but whatever. Are all nurses this good-looking? Why are y’all staring at me? Shock laga kya?” You were Definitely Male, Born Tough, Like.No.Other. – The Best A Man Can Get. So, dearest son, I’m writing you this letter to give you some Ideas For Life, to Make Tomorrow Brighter.

 

Idea Cellular, "An Idea Can Change Your Life"

 

Right now, Life’s Good, and you’ve learned to Express Yourself nicely; you must also become a good listener and a voracious reader, because an Idea Can Change Your Life, as long as you’re good at Applying Thought.

Travel. It will help you become you the Complete Man. Make It Large while you’re still single. Get a Taste of India and experience the King of Good Times. Once you get married – and especially if or after you have kids – your life will be like, Fill it, Shut it and Forget it.

 

Kingfisher, "The King of Good Times" (Photo: hyku on Flickr)

 

Approximately one out of every 10 people is gay. However you’re wired, it’s not weird. You might even change your mind after you grow up – There’s Nothing Official About It. Whichever gender you’re attracted to, No Confusion, Great Combination.

Marry someone only when you feel you’re Made For Each Other. Make sure your partner shares your passions and is physically fit – Taste bhi, health bhi – because the Axe Effect wears off, and no one can be Gorgeous Hamesha. Have an inexpensive wedding – the money you spend on A Diamond Is Forever.

Like me, you will probably grow up to hate your extended family. They’re like, Wherever You Go, Our Network Follows; It’s Everywhere You Want To Be. But they will let you Drive Your Way after they realize that you keep Going and Going and Going. So Simplifly, Reclaim Your Life and Just Do It, Because You’re Worth It.

 

Thums Up, India's Coca-Cola (Photo: jatin81 on Flickr)

Thanks to our Indian genes, I will most likely die of heart failure. I hope that I die while I’m still healthy, because I hate medicines – Once You Pop, You Can’t Stop. And after I’m gone, I hope this letter will remind you: the most important thing in life is to Think Hatke – because the only thing that is truly Utterly Butterly Delicious is irony.

Is It In You? I know that it is. Profit From It.

 

-Dad

PS: I might have led you to believe that I’m A Complan Boy, but you’re now ready for the truth: Boost was always the Secret Of My Energy. (Don’t tell your mom; I’m not yet ready to Taste The Thunder.)

 

This post was originally published on neoIndian in August 2010.